


When the Journey Ends - A Gypsy (Netflix) fan fic

by gypsyfanfic



Category: Gypsy (US TV)
Genre: Diane Harte, F/F, Gypsy, Gypsy Netflix, Jean&Sidney, Lesbian Character, London, Marfa, New York, Other, Romance, Suspense, Thriller, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-25 02:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 21,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12026565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gypsyfanfic/pseuds/gypsyfanfic
Summary: Jean and Sidney are running away, heading to Marfa.  Trying desperately to escape the confines of the past.  They have left in their wake a maelstrom of heart ache and betrayal.  Desperate to forge a new life but their old lives keep coming back to haunt them in the most unexpected and devastating ways....





	1. Marfa

The long desert road stretched out endlessly in front of them, they were heading west into the sunset and inextricably towards Marfa. They had picked the old Mustang up at a rather bedraggled car dealership just outside the airport at Austin – of course Sidney had insisted upon the Mustang and so the bedraggled car place it had to be – a Toyota from Hertz was never going to work for Sidney.

"See, Mildrid is doing us proud" laughed Sidney as she lit a cigarette and handed it to Jean who was driving. Jean took the cigarette and they both laughed at the memory. The old guy who had sold them the car was even more bedraggled than his dealership and it had taken him and consequently them an eternity to firstly walk around the car to look at all its wondrous features (which he had pointed out in great detail) then walk back to his desk only to realise that the paperwork they needed was actually somewhere else altogether. Life on Mars could have been located quicker than this paperwork but it was eventually retrieved from a desk with an impressive collection of empty beer and whisky bottles and an Elvis calendar from 1967. The old man then informed them that his spectacles had now to be located and in a search that a Navy SEAL team would have been proud of, Jean eventually uncovered the specs on top of a dusty old filing cabinet. When the man finally announced that he was going to take "the little ladies" through the mechanics of the car "one more time" in case they were to break down in the desert – it was they who broke down simultaneously engulfed in helpless laughter.

Jean said "we would have been in and out in 20 minutes at Hertz" "ah" interrupted Sidney "we wouldn't have Mildrid though". Sidney turned the radio up, Fleetwood Mac's Silver Springs was playing, she closed her eyes and lent back into the seat. Jean looked over and thought she had never seen anyone or anything quite as beautiful as Sidney – especially today. Earlier they had stopped to get petrol, Jean was pumping petrol into the Mustang and looked up to see Sidney just standing on the desert road, leaning against a fence with the sunset behind her, staring past Jean into the distance. The intensity of Sidney's gaze was something else, when you were the subject of that gaze, those eyes - the effect was intoxicating. Right then Jean knew that image of Sidney with her back to the sunset with the Texan desert wind howling around her, was an image that would be seared upon her brain for the rest of her days.

Sidney was sleeping now – the sky had turned from vermilion to indigo blue. Jean thought of the conversation in the coffee shop a few weeks ago when Sidney had complemented her on her indigo nails and had explained in such a captivating way why indigo was her favourite colour – that was the moment when Jean understood with blinding clarity just how much trouble she was now in with this beautiful and bewitching young woman from London. It had only been a few weeks ago yet to Jean it seemed like a lifetime. So much had happened in such a short space of time. But here they were on the road to Marfa and on the run from the past. It was impossible to know what the future had in store, what the unintended consequences of this break for freedom would be - as Sidney herself had once said so presciently "the only thing that's real is what's happening now" and right now as the light faded into darkness and Marfa twinkled into view, Jean knew that this reality was what she wanted. There were complications to sort out of course, but they would be for tomorrow. For now all Jean could think about was Sidney and Marfa. The last mile marker said 10 miles.


	2. Sidney's in Marfa

It was dark by the time Jean had pulled in to the driveway of their Marfa hotel. Even in the black of a desert night, she could tell that this hotel was straight out of the 1950s. The Thunderbird hotel was a small grey two storey building; the rooms each had their own little veranda with a chair out front. There was a slightly wonky neon sign on the roof of the hotel which looked almost embarrassed to be welcoming them. Jean wondered briefly about the many personal dramas that must have played out in this place down through the years – she couldn't help but think now about her own personal drama and how that would be playing out in the coming weeks.

The air was hot and filled with the sound of cicadas from the nearby Acacia tree. Jean could taste the desert sand on her lips – she needed a drink. Sidney was still asleep in the front of the car. Jean decided not to wake her until she had checked them both in. As Jean walked towards the hotel reception she heard the sound of two women laughing – there was something about the way in which they laughed, the intimacy of it, the joy in it that brought her back to that moment in the back room of the Rabbit Hole when Sidney had first mentioned Marfa as the place they could escape to. How giddy they had been when they had spoken of it. She had been Diane then.

Jean marvelled at the way in which Sidney had taken it all in her stride. "I knew you had been lying" she had said "I sort of knew you were married (the good ones always are) but there was something else, something dangerous that was making you do the things you do. I could tell you were running away Jean and that's the bit that intrigues me, that's the thing I really want to know – what the hell are you running away from?" That conversation had taken place at Dolly's school when Sidney had turned up out of the blue during her speech on bullying. Jean remembered the gaze they had shared at the end of her speech, the look in Sidney's eyes had told her that this relationship was far from over, in fact in the most important ways, it was only just beginning.

Jean got the key from the world weary receptionist; she had felt that the woman had seen through her, had known that Diane Hart wasn't for real. Or was it just that the people who passed through this place were never quite what they seemed or who they said they were – ghostly figures floating in the desert for a day or two.

Jean smiled as she approached Mildrid the Mustang - Sidney was still asleep. Jean lent over and gave the sleeping Sidney a long, luxurious kiss to wake her up. These were the moments Jean loved best - kissing Sidney awake was a joy she felt she would never tire of. Waiting for those sultry eyes to open and that spectacular moment when the kiss would be returned and God how it would be returned! Jean thought that just kissing Sidney was better than sex with anyone else. As with all great artists, Sidney took her time, using those lips of hers like a Maestra slowly and sensuously bringing you to the point of ecstasy. Lesser mortals use kissing as a means to an end – not Sidney. Kissing Sidney was a destination in itself, one where you became completely and irrevocably lost in her.

"You're coming with me, I have plans for us tonight" Jean said in a deep and husky voice as she took Sidney by the hand and led her from the car to their hotel room. As they entered the room, Jean glanced down and saw the grip of a hand gun showing slightly from Sidney's bag. She winced at the sight of it. She had seen this gun before. She was at the point of asking about it when she felt the hot breath of Sidney's kisses on her neck and then everything was instantaneously forgotten.


	3. Wide Awake in Marfa

Sidney was lying on her side watching Jean sleep. The sun was streaming through the flimsy curtain -like a 12 year old wearing a shirt for a child of 10, there were gaps everywhere. A not so distant rooster was crowing the breaking of dawn and had put paid to any sleep for Sidney. As she reached across Jean, careful not to disturb her, to get a cigarette from the bed side table, Sidney thought that she and the rooster had something in common this morning – they both had rather a lot to crow about. For the rooster it was the anticipation of the dawning day for Sidney it was being here in Marfa, lying next to a naked Jean.

As she inhaled the smoke from her cigarette, Sidney's eyes drank in the view. She moved the sheet slightly so she could see all of Jean – the effect was immediate, the arousal engulfing. They had made love for most of the night and yet Sidney still wanted more. She stopped herself from touching Jean, delaying the pleasure would intensify it. As the sun rays danced across the room, it was impossible for Sidney to ignore how Jean had now become her very own sun - the centre of her entire universe where-nothing was more important to her. It was ridiculous to suppose that she would escape the burn when the time inevitably came, all she could hope for was that the pain would be something she could survive.

The switch from Diane to Jean had been effortless. She had known that Diane had been lying – she knew all along that the little girl in the photographs had to be her daughter – the resemblance was too striking. The whispered conversations in the early hours, the passionate trysts, the mum car – all screamed MARRIED. What she didn't understand was why Jean had created such a complicated alter ego; why she went to the lengths she did in creating such fiction. God knows, Jean had Sidney at "hello, can I have an Americano please" everything else was completely superfluous as far as Sidney was concerned. But not for the first time in their fledgling relationship, Sidney felt that Jean's actions were propelled by something else entirely, something dark and threatening that was approaching at speed, something which Jean had run away to Marfa to desperately escape.

Sidney was searching for a point, the catalyst which had brought about this profound change; the point where it had gone from being just an erotic game to this – the essential stuff of life. Sure they both recognised themselves in the other – that was part of the initial attraction. Of course there had been an enthralling game of cat and mouse which had set their pulses racing and finally there was Jean herself – gorgeous, smart, generous, sophisticated, the list could go on and on – who wouldn't be drawn to this enigmatic, enticing woman when she decided to take an interest in you?

No the game changing moment happened in the least likely of places – Dolly's school. Sidney remembered exactly how she felt when she had discovered Diane's true identity – there was almost a sense of elation because she had won the game - uncovered Diane's big lie. She couldn't wait to confront her with it, to dangle it triumphantly in her face. That should have been the end of them instead it turned out to be a proper beginning. In the moment when Diane was finishing her speech their eyes had met, it felt to Sidney that Diane had been expecting her to show up. There was an unwavering gaze and then inexplicably and almost telepathically Sidney understood what the look in Diane's eyes was saying, the message that was being conveyed only to her– you have passed the test and you are mine now.


	4. Michael's new world order

Michael was sitting at his desk staring intently at the space Jean's photograph used to occupy. He had thrown it across the office hitting the wall with such force that the dent still remained. He remembered how Alexis had screamed at the sound of the breaking glass and had come running into his office to see what had caused the outburst.

Michael was deep in thought, there had been so much change in the last few weeks that he could hardly tell which way was up. Jean had been his north star and it was almost unbearable now that she had gone, vanished from the constellation of their lives leaving a huge unfillable void. He couldn't believe that she could have so deliberately destroyed their home, their haven. He would never forgive her for what she had done to him, to them and to Dolly. The rage was becoming difficult to handle. It would begin as always with a fairly innocuous thought about Jean, something would remind him of her, and then very quickly it would develop into an obsessive re-tracing of all her lies, deceits and finally that awful moment when Alexis had uttered that name in his office which told him his marriage was over.

His dark musings were interrupted by Anna his new assistant "I have Alexis for you – it sounds urgent". The changes wrought upon him and Dolly had been out of his control, a construct of Jean's making. However, he did feel guilty at the speed at which he had pushed things with Alexis. He wasn't even sure why he did it, why he had pursued her with such ferocity while his marriage had been crumbling all around him. The sensible thing would have been to let things settle and take things slowly but he had done the polar opposite of that and Alexis was now ensconced within the family home.

"Hi ya, sorry to bother you I know you have a busy day ahead, but I'm having a real problem with Dolly – she won't go to school"

"Not again" Michael replied. "What's the issue this time?"

"She's saying she won't go unless she talks to her mum"

This had been a fairly regular exchange in the past few weeks. Inevitably Dolly had taken her mother's disappearing act very badly indeed and her insecurities at school only heightened her anguish. Out of sheer desperation, Alexis had taken to calling Jean on Dolly's mobile phone so that Jean could talk to her daughter and reassure her about the forthcoming school day. Alexis was surprised at how angry this made Michael. As far as she was concerned you had to adopt a practical approach in these matters and if a phone call to Jean got the girl to school, then a phone call to Jean it would be. Michael definitely did not see it that way, he was very angry at Jean for holding this immense power over them, he was angry with Alexis for allowing Jean such easy access to the daughter she had abandoned and he was angry with Dolly whose unwillingness to accept Alexis was making life at home difficult. All in all Michael was well, very angry. Alexis made the mental note to try and address this with him soon.

Alexis said "Don't worry, I'll call Jean and we'll sort it out. Good luck with your London meeting – love you".

Michael put down the phone and asked Anna to gather his papers on the London case. The case was proving difficult and time consuming and the clients were coming in to town in a few days. Michael was now late for his meeting so he rushed down the corridor to Alan's office who was summarising the main meeting points in a video conference with the London firm they were working with on the case. As Michael walked in Alan was saying:

"We are moving closer towards the trial date, but there is still some significant work that needs to be done on the Layering and Grants of immunity issues. So we look forward to seeing you and Mr Adams here in New York next week when hopefully we can make significant progress on this"

Michael sat down and apologised for being late. Alan had been really sympathetic and supportive about Michael's break up with Jean but this London case was really getting to him and he said rather sternly "I could have really done with you on that call Michael. When they are here next week I need you to be on the top of your game – James Adams is not a man I want to get on the wrong side of – he is a very formidable character"

"Don't worry I will be. I've been looking over the documentation around the yearly income for the London and New York car parks and I think I have found something which will definitely help us".

Alan asked him "Has the Prosecuting team sent us the files on the connection between Adams Car Parks (ACP) and the tanning salons yet? We really need to go over that"

Michael replied "Not yet, but Anna is chasing it today"

As he walked back to his office, Michael got the distinct feeling that for all sorts of reasons, the next few days were going to be extremely testing.

.


	5. Happy Families

Michael, Alexis and Dolly were sitting around the kitchen table finishing dinner. Alexis had just prepared a lovely home cooked jambalaya, Michael was helping to put the dishes away and said "Thank you Alexis that really was delicious" Dolly was already heading towards the dishwasher carrying her plate with outstretched arms in the manner of a bomb disposal expert gingerly handling an object that was worryingly ticking "I prefer mama's frozen pizza – I couldn't tell what all the bits were in this".

Alexis laughed and said "nothing too dreadful, just some nice alligator leg" Michael was smiling – Dolly was not.

Alexis thought just how difficult the past few weeks had been for Dolly and Michael in particular but for her too! She had to pinch herself sometimes just to check that this was really her, living this suburban house wife life now. How the hell did I get here so fast? a question she often asked herself – inevitably the answer wasn't nearly as simple.

She had known for a very long time that she had feelings for Michael. At another time in a different place she would have moved jobs – he was after all a very married man. But the truth was that Alexis really enjoyed working for him, he was a good boss! And as every New York girl knew, a good boss was even harder to find than a good boyfriend. Michael was great at his job – he was one of the best lawyers in the city and he was very generous in sharing his knowledge with her – she had learnt a great deal from him. He was funny too, often making her laugh with his dry humour and sense of fun; she was one of those rare creatures who actually enjoyed going into work.

Then everything changed. Alexis likened it in her own mind to the effects of a bomb going off - the normality of life suddenly being ripped to shreds by a violent explosion. Survivors often spoke of the surrealness of the aftermath, the sense of not being quite there in the moment, the inability to properly process the enormity of what had just happened and worst of all that dreadful sense of being just swept along in an unstoppable tide of human suffering.

That was it, Alexis thought, we are all just floundering around now desperately trying to pick up the pieces from the explosion that had ripped through the heart of this family, this home – the devastation that had been caused by Jean.


	6. Office Politics

Larin was trying but failing to type anything even vaguely comprehensible in her frantic text to Jean, the problem – her phone was under the desk upon which Gary was now loudly banging his fist. He had gotten rather worked up about the fact that Jean had left so quickly without letting him or indeed any of her clients know that she was going to be away. 

"I mean for God's sake, it's not the best way to start the day when I arrive here this morning to find Sam Duffy nearly breaking the front door down – the guy was in a complete state of abject panic. Jean hadn't even told him that she was going away!"

"What is going on with her lately Larin and why did she need to get away to Sacramento so quickly anyway?"

Larin hit send on her text and looked up. "She's having problems at home with Michael, you know that Gary, her domestic life is a bit chaotic at the moment, but that will pass. She'll sort it all out"

Gary looked sceptical and said "It's not just her home life though, is it? What's worrying me more is the growing list of problems and irregularities we are seeing with her patients! The mess with Allison being a classic case in point – I mean we've been down this road before with Jean, haven't we?"

Larin nodded her head in agreement but then added rather significantly "but Allison is back now and I know that Jean felt that they had made a genuine breakthrough before she left and honestly Gary, I don't think we can say with any certainty yet this situation with Allison is at all analogous with the Melissa case"

"OK, fair point - how was your conversation with Claire yesterday, I know she too was upset about Jean's unscheduled little break"

"Yes, but only because she wanted to tell Jean about another lovely letter which had arrived from her daughter Rebecca. In fact Claire couldn't speak highly enough of the work she and Jean had done together. She feels really strongly that her time in therapy with Jean has opened up a really healthy space where she and her daughter have been able to re-calibrate their relationship"

Gary pulled himself slowly from his chair like an old man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, he said "All right then, that's all for now. Let's hope that Jean will actually be here at our next meeting to discuss all these issues!"

As Larin got up to leave the room, she saw that her text to Jean had been sent. It had read:

"All hell breaking loose here –COME BACK NOW!!"


	7. High Plains Drifters

It felt to Jean that the past few days in Marfa with Sidney had been like a dream. The place itself had a strange almost unearthly quality to it; this high desert place of the Trans Pecos where the mysterious Marfa lights would spread across the sky like magnificent multi-coloured messages from the Gods.

It was almost impossible to put in to words the pure happiness she felt in being in Marfa with Sidney. Of course she knew that their time here was limited which made every moment spent wandering through its many treasures all the more precious. Sidney continued to amaze and surprise her – it was while meandering hand in hand around the Chianti Foundation that she came to realise just how knowledgeable Sidney was about art in general but modern art and Minimalism in particular. Jean smiled at the memory – how animated Sidney had become when she had seen Donald Judd's 100 shining aluminium boxes, how earnest she had been in explaining his inspiring vision for Marfa.

Today they had been looking around a bookstore in the town and had got chatting to the owner. He had lived in Marfa his whole life and "boy had he seen some changes". Sidney had picked up an array of second hand books, including Dostoyevsky's The Idiots. "That's a really good choice young lady" the bookstore owner had said "did you know that there is a Dostoyevsky connection to this town?" "No I did not" Sidney replied with a laugh. The bookstore owner went on to explain how the town had been named by the wife of a railroad executive who had been reading Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov and thought the town should be named after one of its characters - Marfa. Jean laughed and thought just how perfect that was.

Yet, there was still so much about Sidney that Jean didn't know; she felt the process of getting to know her was going to be a slow and delicate exercise in gently removing the layers of obfuscation. Sidney was reluctant to talk about her past in London to the point that Jean had stopped asking about her parents all together as the subject would just put Sidney into the darkest of moods. Then there was the gun. Jean was struggling to find the right time and place to ask Sidney about it perhaps because she was too afraid of what the answer was going to be.

Of course Sidney had been absolutely right about Marfa – it had been the perfect destination for them to run to. Not only because you feel as though you are a very long way from anywhere else but also the distinct sense you get on arrival that you have travelled to the edge of something, that you have reached a frontier. What a tantalising idea, being on the edge was an exciting place to be, the point where limits were pushed, and boundaries crossed; Jean thought it was a perfect metaphor for Sidney and her. She felt genuinely sad about the fact that their time here was coming to an end – the phone calls from Dolly, the texts from Larin and the frantic voicemails from her mother had injected a cold, hard dose of reality into her Texan idle and had confirmed what she already knew, she was badly needed back at home. She wouldn't tell Sidney just yet, she would wait until tomorrow – tonight they were driving into wilderness to see the stars.

They both sat staring up at the night sky from the back of the Mustang. They had asked around town where the best spot for star gazing was and the locals had not let them down. The sight was awe inspiring, the sky looked as though it was about the fall in on top of them, it was so laden with stars. For a while they were both rendered speechless by the view, it was if their thoughts had been squeezed out by the sheer number of dazzling objects in the sky. Then Sidney laughed her laugh and said

"When you said we were going to make out in the back seat, I didn't quite envisage us doing so under a canopy of stars" she passed Jean a drink.

"You should know by now that I think of everything" replied Jean. They clinked glasses.

Sidney nestled into Jean and started to kiss her neck.

"You know Polaris isn't the brightest star in the sky, that's a common misconception" Jean said as she pointed to it in the sky.

"Unlike the other stars, Polaris is known to stay fixed in the sky. It marks the spot for the North Pole, the point at which the whole sky turns"

"That's beautiful" Sidney said. Jean seemed to be in a reverie as she stared up at the night sky, her eyes looked to be searching for something then suddenly she turned to Sidney and said with real urgency "I want to be your North Star"

Sidney took Jean's face in her hands and stared intently into her eyes as if she was examining them for the truth, she replied breathlessly "you already are". The intensity of the moment was matched only by the passion of their kisses and there in the back seat of the Mustang, on the edge of the high plains, underneath a star filled desert sky, Jean and Sidney consummated a new union. Tonight, making love with the heavens above them, it felt for the very first time as though they were bringing everything they had to this relationship, investing all of themselves, elevating it to dazzling new heights; leg weakening, heart stopping heights from where it had to be said, there was a very long way to fall.

As the sun came up, they arrived back at the Thunderbird Hotel, Jean's phone buzzed and she read Larin's message. Sidney asked "who was that?" Jean looked at her and said rather gravely "I think it's time to go home".


	8. The Prodigal Daughter

This was an Alice in Wonderland moment for Jean - stepping tentatively from a dream like existence back to the stark reality of the work place. The passage of time since she had gone feet first down the Rabbit Hole into Sidney's enchanted world, had not really moved in the conventional way; when you enter a dream like state the normal rules of time measurement don't apply. In truth, Jean thought she would find it difficult to tell you if she had been away for one week, one day or even a year; she suspected Gary Levine (her boss) on the other hand would have no such trouble and in approximately 15 minutes when their staff meeting was scheduled to begin, she would be hearing in great exactitude, the seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks she had spent away from the office on her unscheduled break. Someone very clever once said "The long unmeasured pulse of time moves everything." Yes Jean thought, there is no use fighting it, eventually we all get pulled to the shore like the tide responding to the gravitational forces of the moon.

She couldn't allow herself to get lost in these thoughts, she needed to focus completely on the task in hand which was convincing her colleagues and particularly Gary that she was back to work and that her head was completely in the game. Larin had been sending Jean updates while she was away – mostly texts describing the varying degrees of disappointment and frustration that Gary had been expressing about her absence! Jean wondered whether she should just get it over with and walk in to the meeting wearing a hair vest and a big sign around her neck saying "Mea Culpa"!

There was a rather frosty air to the room when Jean opened the door. Gary said "Nice of you to join us Jean." She decided to tackle the sarcasm head on and said "I'm sorry I left so quickly but I had a personal issue that had to be dealt with at once. I was on the road travelling and so messaging became tricky."

Gary responded "It's not so much that you didn't contact me, what is really worrying to me is that you didn't let some of your most challenging patients know that you were going to be away. I had a very anxious Sam Duffy almost breaking the door down last week he was so distraught!"

"Yes I know, that is very disappointing especially as I felt we had made real progress lately in helping him move on from his ex – he is after all engaged now and looking towards a bright future with his new partner. I admit that this little outburst is a setback but the general trend with Sam is upward and forward. He is my first appointment this afternoon, so it will be interesting to check in with him again and see if my earlier work has encouraged a more thoughtful and empathetic response from him to this more recent episode"

Gary asked "and is the Allison situation now resolved. I shouldn't be expecting another midnight call from the Police should I?" "No not at all" Jean responded with the faintest of smiles. Allison is doing well in the Hospital; actually Tom has shown himself to be quite the devoted boyfriend. He was the one who found her when she went on her binge and took her directly to the hospital, when he couldn't locate me".

Gary said, "OK, you can take me through your case work in more detail this afternoon in our scheduled meeting, it will also give us an opportunity to talk about the plan for Melissa".

Jean almost dropped her coffee mug at the mention of her name "What plan, what do you mean?" "Oh didn't Larin tell you? Melissa is coming out next week. As part of her release plan, she is scheduled for a number of follow up sessions with us here at the practice".

As they all got up to leave the meeting, Jean was aware that Larin was watching her closely.


	9. The Book of Samuel

Jean was observing Sam from a viewpoint of detached fascination. Surprising really, given the intimate connection they both shared. He had been pacing up and down the office in such a state of agitated excitement that Jean hadn't even tried to get him to sit down yet – it would have been pointless. He needed to walk – he felt that every step he took was a move in a direction away from Sidney and then possibly, hopefully a step towards safety and peace of mind.

Poor Sam, he was still utterly clueless as to Jean's true involvement in his life - that thought gave Jean a great deal of pleasure. She really was acting like the puppet master now just pulling the strings of his life. From a purely professional standpoint Sam had been doing well, he had been moving on with his new life with Emily. In fact there had been an almost perfect text book conclusion when he strode so confidently into her office a few weeks ago and explained that he wanted to stop their sessions as she Jean was the final link with Sidney. Eureka, that should have been the end of it – the end of Sam and Jean.

What am I doing? Was a question Jean had asked herself on more than one occasion in the past few weeks but it seemed particularly relevant at this moment with a pacing Sam in her office. She had genuinely wanted to help him, well at the start she had. It was his inability to take her advice, act upon the homework she gave him during their sessions that had finally propelled her to go and seek out Sidney in the hope of finding some answers. She had been very frustrated even contemptible of Sam and his inability to move on and worse his willingness just to kneel down at the altar of Sidney and be her supplicant. Then she met Sidney and understood it all completely. Far from being a pathetic figure of pity, Sam became her own silent partner in the business of being obsessed by Sidney. When Sam said he wanted to leave her practice she couldn't allow that to happen because that might cause a chink in the chains that bound them all together.

"I went round to Sidney's after our last meeting; there was something you said about deserving to find someone who excites me that made me want to see her again. It made me think that my engagement to Emily is just built on a lie. But she wasn't there and she hasn't been back in a while and I am furious and sad and full of panic at the thought that she might actually be gone forever"

Jean said "but Sam you know that Sidney had already disappeared from your life, that happened 9 months ago when she broke up with you"

Sam looked angrily at Jean and said "Yes, but when I last saw you I was in a good place with Emily, it was you who put the doubt back in my mind, you the one who suggested that I shouldn't settle"

"That's not what I meant Sam; all roads don't have to lead back to Sidney"

Almost with desperation Sam said "Though she's gone away she has been responding really sweetly to my texts so I know she still cares about me"

That sentence was like a sharp punch to Jean's gut. Suddenly there was an anger swelling inside her that was engulfing her. With every fibre of her being, she managed to control her impulse to hit Sam until his face bled and instead she managed to ask him as nonchalantly as possible"

"What has Sidney been saying in those texts Sam?"

"Oh just nice stuff about how lovely our relationship had been and what a good guy I was, how pleasantly straightforward I was"

Each and every word Sam now spoke about Sidney was like a knife wound repeatedly puncturing her skin. She had no idea that Sam and Sidney had been exchanging texts while they were in Marfa, she felt betrayed. Jean remembered that in physics every action has an equal and opposite reaction and so as Sam now innocently went through every text that he and Sidney had exchanged, Jean was planning with frightening application how to exact with exquisit preciseness an equal measure of pain on the both of them.


	10. A dish best served cold

Sidney's delight in hearing Jean laugh was absolute; to her it was the most magnificent of sounds. Some people laugh and the sound makes your nerves jangle, it is loud and jarring or worse a cackle. Not Jean. Her laugh was low and melodious, it came from a place of knowledge and sophistication – hers was a laugh of discernment, it didn't emerge without good reason. When Jean laughed people immediately wanted to get in on the joke. If we're cutting to the chase, it was just a very sexy laugh. Sidney's unstated mission was to make it surface as much as possible. Today she was going to struggle.

Jean walked through the door from work and the second Sidney saw her face she knew there was a problem. Sidney had grown accustomed to that face; in fact she had become an expert on the subject of Jean's face. The hours spent gazing upon it meant that every inch was now completely committed to her memory. In the hours they spent apart, Sidney could close her eyes and conjure the contours of it, the wonder of it. Sidney thought about the Talking Heads song "This must be the place" and the line "of all the kind of faces, you've got a face with a view" how perfectly that line describes the way we all feel about the face of the person we love.

Jean was moving briskly around the flat; quick, nervous movements, seeking, searching - like a caged tiger pacing and probing the confines of its incarceration. There was an ominous threat in the air. She was acting as if Sidney wasn't there; ignoring her comments, oblivious to her presence. Sidney felt shut out and suddenly very scared.

"Jean, what is it – why won't you answer me?" Sidney was trying to pull her back, to get her to stop but Jean shrugged her off.

"Jean!"

"What are you looking for?"

Jean eventually returned from the bedroom with the gun in her hand and said "This". She coolly placed it on the table then walked with remarkable composure to the door. Before she left she turned to look at Sidney and said "I'm going now because I really need to think things over, but if I return and that is very much in the balance at the moment, you are going to have tell me the truth about this, every single little detail of why the fucking hell you have a gun".

As she slammed the door behind her, she heard a cry of anguish and then the sound of Sidney falling to her knees on her floor. It was the outcome Jean had desired and as she walked down the stairs towards the exit, she felt a tingling satisfaction as she looked at the graffiti that had been written rather prophetically on the wall, it strangely read "but if there is any further injury, then you shall appoint as a penalty life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise" Exodus "21:23-25".

She would now turn her attention to Sam.


	11. Now to Emily

The psychologist in Jean knew exactly what she was doing – it was text book obsessive behaviour. From the moment she discovered that they had been texting while she and Sidney had been in Marfa, Jean had been consumed by a compulsion to inflict on Sam and Sidney the same amount of pain that they had caused her. These weren't occasional fleeting thoughts of getting one back, righting a wrong, this was something else entirely. This was a continuous, unbroken, unwavering determination to exact revenge. Jean understood the deep rooted issues from childhood which caused these eruptions in her adult life, she had been making progress over many years in coming to terms with the wrongs that had been done to her as a child but this was exceptional because it involved Sidney. And as Jean had come to understand about herself recently, when it came to Sidney all bets were off.

The hurt was compounded by the fact that the texting trysts had happened in Marfa. Of all the times and places this was conceivably the worst. Marfa had taken on an almost mythical status in Jean's mind; it had come to represent perfection, the physical embodiment of their love. It was their El Dorado, the longed for destination which had delivered on its promise of providing everything their hearts had desired. But Sidney was secretly texting Sam there and now it seemed to Jean that it was all just an illusion, that Marfa had been nothing more than a mirage in the hot Texan desert. 

The winding, twisting roads of this obsession had lead Jean here – back to Sam's flat. He had told Jean that he was going away on business for a couple of days and that Emily would be staying at the flat looking after things for him. Jean decided to seize her opportunity. She rang on the doorbell to his flat and Emily answered the door.

"Hi, you must be Sidney" said Jean - the effect of those five words was like a shot gun load of shrapnel hitting Emily directly in the heart, she actually fell backwards.

Eventually Emily recovered sufficiently from the shock to say "Hmm, no I'm not Sidney, I'm Emily, but who exactly are you?"

Poor unwitting Emily thought Jean as she flashed her most dazzling of smiles "Oh, I'm Diane, a work colleague of Sam's. There should be a memory stick here for me, some figures that we've been working on together. Sam said I should stop by and pick it up – I just assumed that you would be Sidney, you know!" Poor Emily, the collateral damage of this Desert Storm of Sidney and Sam's making. Jean tried to look chastened and upset conveying to Emily that she had her upmost sympathy.

Emily rallied and said as assertively as she could "Well Sam didn't mention this to me and I should know, he tells me everything - I'm his fiancé".

Jean smiled; this couldn't have gone more perfectly if she had scripted it. "Sam engaged, wow, what a surprise. He hasn't mentioned a word of this at work. He is probably just waiting for the right moment, so that we've all forgotten about Sidney, right?" Jean laughed conspiratorially as if she assumed that Emily would get it on the joke.

By the look on Emily's now crumbling face, Jean could tell her job was done and said "Listen, I can see you're upset. Just forget about the usb stick, I'll call Sam tomorrow morning myself – sorry to bother you". With one more pitying look Jean was out the door with a hop and a skip. Emily was already phoning Sam!

By the time Jean had got back to the car, Sam had sent her a text message saying "EMILY HAS BROKEN UP WITH ME, SOME WOMAN NAMED DIANE AT OUR FLAT TALKING ABOUT SIDNEY – I NEED AN URGENT APPOINTMENT"


	12. The school yard

This is biblical, Alexis thought, a veritable parting of the waves. Such was the impact that Alexis and young Dolly were having on the assembled Alpha mums in the school playground this morning. Alexis wasn't quite sure if it was her or Dolly resplendent in her new Terminator look (complete with black leather jacket and shades) that was causing this usually immovable mass of motherhood to stop gossiping and stand aside to create a path for them towards to the classroom door. With the increasing stares of aforementioned mums now boring into the small of her back, with every passing step Alexis knew with growing certainty that it was her.

A very tidy and frighteningly competent looking woman with red hair and matching lips stopped directly in front of them "No Jean again today?" this said less as a question and more as an accusation "No Jean, she's out of town for a few more days" Alexis replied with a half-hearted smile and forced joviality. "Oh really" said in unison by another 2 mums who had now gathered around Alexis, Dolly and the redhead and who seemed to be even more pleased with their impromptu monophony than the gossip potential of Alexis and Dolly on the school run again. "Are you the new nanny then?" enquired a fifth who had just joined the conversation "No, just a friend of the family" replied Alexis as sweetly as she could. Dolly was pulling Alexis by the arm, obviously sensing that Alexis was way out of her depth with this ever increasing gossip gang; finally they both broke free and made for the classroom. Alexis could feel the disapproving looks from the collected playground cabal like a bitterly cold wind piercing through the layers of a jacket - it made her shudder. She was glad to get into the warmth of the classroom.

Dolly's teacher immediately approached Alexis "Oh I was hoping that Dolly's mother or father would be here today" once again Alexis found herself explaining Jean and Michael's absence "Do you know if either one of them will be here this afternoon at pick up? It's just I have a very important matter to discuss with them" the teacher said this and angled her glance towards Dolly who was now arm wrestling one of the boys in the corner. Alexis knew that this was unlikely as Michael had clients coming in from London this afternoon and Jean had yet to properly re-surface but she said she would pass on the request for a meeting with Michael and Jean as soon as she could.

By the time Alexis got back from the morning school run she was completely done it and feeling very frustrated and angry not just for herself but on Dolly's behalf too. Clearly there were significant issues at the school yet both her parents seemed so caught up in their own problems that they had barely noticed that Dolly was really hurting at the moment– she just wasn't a priority. Alexis thought with some resentment, she knew exactly how Dolly was feeling! She resolved to invite Dolly's grandmother around for dinner so that Dolly would at least have someone in her family who was completely invested in her right now. Alexis immediately picked up her phone and dialed Nancy's number.


	13. It's getting complicated

Michael was elbow deep in paperwork when his assistant stood apologetically at his office door to say that Alexis was insisting she speak to him "I tried to tell her Michael that you were prepping for your big meeting this afternoon but she wouldn't listen". Michael smiled; it would take more than Anna's mild obstruction to stop Alexis. After all, she had been in exactly the same role until very recently and knew all the tricks of the Assistant trade. "Don't worry Anna, put her through it must be urgent ". Michael guessed by the time that Alexis was calling that it must concern Dolly and her school, actually he was grateful that Alexis was taking the time and energy to focus on his daughter at a time when her mother clearly had bigger distractions.

"Dolly's teacher looked really concerned this morning in the classroom, she wants to have a meeting with you and Jean this afternoon" Michael sighed and said "You know that's impossible for me today with the London meeting". Alexis responded "I know, but I thought that maybe you could call Jean and ask her to go?" Michael had been steadfastly avoiding Jean since her return from her little Texan jaunt. He still couldn't quite get his head around the fact that Jean had thrown away their marriage, a happy family home with Dolly; essentially everything they had built together over the course of a 12 year marriage for a fling with a young English barista. What was equally shocking to him was that over the course of that 12 year marriage, he had absolutely no idea at all that Jean was bi-sexual. He had been wracking his brain over this issue and he couldn't come up with a single example of when the thought had even crossed his mind. After all these years together there were still so many hidden facets to Jean; Michael had to concede that it was partly this that made her so alluring, knowing her completely was always out of his grasp it was as if Jean had been performing her very own dance of the seven veils throughout their marriage.

"OK, it sounds important so I'll give Jean a call and see if she can make it over there".

Alexis was happy to hear this and said "Just be calm with Jean today Michael, focus on working together for the benefit of Dolly. By the way, I've invited Jean's mother over for dinner. I think it will be good for Dolly to spend more time with her grandmother and perhaps we could talk about getting Nancy more involved in the school run. I'm not going to be free to do this for ever more you know, Michael"

Alexis was right. Without her, the past few weeks would have been unmanageable. She had really stepped in quite magnificently when Jean had left. Of course the fact that she was no longer working as his assistant had helped. They had taken that decision once Alexis had moved in with him; they both felt it was the more professional thing to do. Besides, Alexis was concentrating on her writing and so this gave her the opportunity to spend more time doing that during the day.

Michael was relieved to find Jean's phone going straight to voicemail, he left a message about Dolly's school and then he resumed his focus on the big task of today, his meeting with the men from London.


	14. London's Calling

James Adams was a very imposing man. It wasn't just that he was tall and incredibly well built, this man had the shoulders of Atlas, shoulders strong enough and broad enough to hold up the heavens, Michael thought he was going to need them in the coming weeks. James was standing in the corner of Alan's office with his back against the wall, eyes trained on the door as Michael approached. He was clearly a man who was used to defending his territory, familiar with the perpetual fight to keep hold of what was his. Michael noted that he was expensively dressed in a suit that had all the hallmarks of Saville Row: bespoke , luxurious Scottish wool and beautifully cut to accentuate the strength of the man inside it. James Adams was not a man to cross. 

"Ah Michael, I'd like you to meet James Adams" Alan said rather nervously. Michael could sense immediately that he was being sized up, for what he wasn't exactly sure.

"Nice to meet you James" said Michael confidently. "We've got a lot of work to do today"

"Yes we do Michael, I'm hoping that you are every bit as good as your boss says you are. We've got a bit of a fight on our hands here haven't we ? Alan tells me that with the cash amounts the prosecuting team are claiming I rinsed, the slammer could be a real prospect if this doesn't go my way" James had a deep and vigorous voice with a strong London accent. Michael could tell that his was the accent of a London boy made good, James was no recipient of a silver spoon at birth –everything he had, he had worked for and acquired the hard way.

James went onto say "this case has cost me Michael, it's not just the money I'm losing with all this hanging over me, but it's my reputation that's being kicked around and also the effect it's had on my family – and family is everything to me" .

Alan took charge at this point and said to James and his solicitor, "let's sit down, Michael is going to take us through the main points of our case and highlight some issues that have come up with evidence the prosecution have sent over to us in the past couple of days".

Michael took his place at the front of the office table and began

"Whilst this is ostensibly a case about money laundering, there are complicating factors. There is a credible witness who will testify in court about your connection to a national network of tanning/beauty salons used as fronts for brothels. The State's Attorney believes that she has evidence to show that the large amounts of cash going through the Adams Car Park businesses both here and in the UK have come from those illegal means. The bank receipts for sudden and vast increases in the car park revenues here in New York have to be explained – this sort of financial irregularity will always spark concerns".

James interjected angrily "this so called credible witness is a weasel and a liar, he is an ex business associate who tried unsuccessfully to swindle me. He has an axe to grind and when the opportunity came to save his sorry arse, he thought he'd concoct a plea bargain and weald that bloody axe right down on top of me".

"The good news" Michael said "is that I have looked at the financial accounts for a large number of car park businesses here in the US and there are consistencies in the revenue streams right across the board".

Michael continued "However, the Prosecuting team are in the process of trying to track down an ex book keeper who worked for you, they are desperately keen to get their hands on an "alternative " set of accounts, they are claiming that the books you have provided for your car park business are not genuine. What's more, they claim the ex-book keeper possesses a great deal of knowledge about all your business associates".

James said in a really mournful way "Good luck to them tracking down my ex book keeper, she's long gone - left London a while back and she's pretty good at hiding" he looked past Michael towards the window and out beyond to the iconic Manhattan sky line, where the sky scrapers stood towering across the city like cathedrals built to worship the Gods of capitalism. Then in almost a whisper James Adams spoke "She was more than a book keeper, so much more, she was beautiful and funny and as sharp as a knife, I was training her up to take over the whole damn thing, she was the centre of my world, but now she's gone – she's my daughter, Sidney".


	15. Oh Diane

Alexis pulled up to the house with the groceries for tonight's dinner. She was surprised to see Nancy's car already parked in the driveway "keen" said Alexis out loud. She was a little irked that Nancy had come over so early; she hadn't even had a chance to start preparing the meal. Alexis took a deep breath and decided to try and see things from Nancy's point of view. Michael had told her that Jean and her mother had a very strained relationship and that Dolly was often used like a chess piece manoeuvred by Jean to gain maximum advantage over her mother. An invite to dinner with Dolly was an unexpected delight for Nancy and she obviously intended to make the most of it.

Alexis came in through the garage with the shopping bags in her arms, as she approached the kitchen she could hear that Michael and Nancy were having an argument. She stopped immediately but could hear that Michael was shouting "If you hadn't indulged her fantasy all these years, Diane Hart would have been dead long ago". Nancy got up from the table and was pacing around the kitchen "That's not fair Michael, I just know more than anyone, how much she desperately needs this; Jean has to have an escape route. There must always be a way out for her".

Michael was trying to keep calm but was saying through gritted teeth "and Dolly and I, what did we ever do to Jean other than love her. Why would she want to escape from us?" He continued "but none of it has helped, whenever Diane Hart surfaces, she leaves pain and suffering in her wake, doesn't she Nancy?"

Nancy sounded crest fallen and said with real compassion in her voice "Michael you know that's not it". Alexis decided that she really didn't want to hear any more about the troublesome Diane Hart or from Michael and his love for Jean and felt that now would be the right time to announce her return from the shops.

"Hi everyone, I hope you're all in the mood for meatloaf" Alexis said as cheerily as she could. The effect of this interruption on Nancy and Michael was like a shock of being doused in freezing cold water, they both stood absolutely still, pinned to the floor, both staring at Alexis. The awkwardness was palpable and only punctured when Dolly came running down the stairs shouting and hollering about her love of meatloaf; grabbing her granny by the hand, she pulled Nancy towards the games she had laid out on her bedroom floor and away from the heart rending discussions that had just been taking place in the kitchen.

Michael turned to Alexis and said "Jean is coming over later. She called here when she found out that Nancy was coming to dinner. She thinks it's time that she and I had a proper conversation about everything that has happened in the past few weeks. She also met with Dolly's teacher today; Jean thinks we have to come up with a better plan for Dolly's care going forward"

Alexis cracked the eggs and poured them into the bowl with the milk, as she took the whisk to mix them both up, Michael noticed that she was doing so with a great deal more force than usual.


	16. Clearing the air

Bestowing kindness is the privilege of those who are content and comfortable in life. Jean was mulling this proposition over in her head as she approached the front door of what used to be her home. The desperate and desolate often have more pressing personal issues of their own to contend with before they could even begin to contemplate the difficulties of someone else. Jean knew what it was to feel desolation.

She had to concede that leaving Michael as abruptly as she did was not a kind thing to do, if pushed she would go as far as to say it was cruel. But when a big wall climber on El Capitan is losing their grasp on a peg that has just been hammered into the rock surface; usually that is not the moment they look around to see who else they can help because they are in absolutely no position to do so. They have to concentrate fully on their own predicament in order to progress safely on to the next level. Jean felt like she was rapidly losing her grip on the peg – going to Marfa with Sidney was her way of progressing safely to the next level.

Jean knew that Michael couldn't understand why she had done it. To him Sidney was just a pretty little ten a penny barista, nothing more. He was completely dumbfounded by Jean's decision to leave him for what he described as the "little London waif". God how wrong he was how badly he had underestimated Sidney. There was no point in tackling Michael's misapprehensions about her – he desperately wanted to believe them. Michael would never know the kind of unique understanding and bond that now existed between her and Sidney. Without having to explain it, Sidney understood completely about Jean's need for an alter ego; she handled it with a sensitivity and compassion that was way beyond her years. There was a depth and strength in Sidney that was really quite awesome, like coal deep in the earth's core reacting to pressure over time to become a beautiful diamond. That was Sidney, Jean sensed that she had been under a great deal of pressure in her young life but had somehow surfaced as one of life's gems. Those soul searching eyes of hers had the ability to seek out the truth, uncover the insecurities and fragilities within Jean but only ever in a way where she would try to help and even more importantly soothe them all away. This, more than anything else, is what Jean wanted and needed.

Anyhow Michael could hardly take the holier than thou position when he had installed his PA into the family home with such speed. Jean did feel aggrieved about this; it is one thing explaining a few weeks absence to Dolly, trying to justify why Alexis was now sleeping in Mummy and Daddy's bed was another thing entirely. Suddenly Jean couldn't wait to give Dolly a huge hug and have the long awaited heart to heart.

Jean knocked on the door with some trepidation, happily it was Dolly who answered – she could hear her running down the stairs with screams of "its mummy!". When Dolly opened the door, Jean swooped her up in her arms and ran straight upstairs to Dolly's bedroom so that they could have their well overdue chat.

"Are you back for good mom? Daddy doesn't seem to know" that was the first question from Dolly's long list. Jean worked carefully and diligently through each and every question Dolly put to her. The questions were mostly around wanting reassurance that Jean was here for Dolly and would not be going away again. On both those fronts Dolly seemed satisfied. Jean mentioned to Dolly that she had spoken with her teacher and that she had been worried about the number of fights that Dolly had been getting into lately. Jean asked "Dolly can you tell me what is going on at school, what is making this happen?" Dolly screwed up her face and said "some of the boys have been saying bad things about you mum. That you had run away and left me because I look like a boy!" Jean took Dolly in her arms and said "you know I would never leave you right – I'm here now and I will always be here for you. Those boys were being nasty and silly, so I want you to ignore them if they say that again, then you come and tell me and together we will sort it out – like Luke Skywalker and Hans Solo." Dolly squealed with delight at the Star Wars reference, Jean laughed and said "OK little Jedi warrior jump into bed, its way past your bedtime".

When Jean came downstairs she found Alexis alone in the kitchen, tidying up from dinner, Jean moved closely behind her and with a slight edge in her voice "making yourself at home in my kitchen are you Alexis, enjoying playing happy families with my husband and kid?"

Alexis spun round to face Jean "You're the one who left Jean; I'm just stepping into an empty space".

Jean responded "with a little too much relish Alexis, where do you get off picking up the phone to my mother and inviting her over here to dinner and marching around Dolly's school as if you owned the place" Alexis flashed "What the hell was meant to happen Jean, you left, you weren't here to do it. Michael has an important case he is working on at the moment, so he asked me!"

Michael walked into the kitchen oblivious to the little spat that had been taking place and asked Jean "How's Dolly doing? Did she say anything about what is going on at school?"

Alexis suddenly felt like an unwanted guest at a family wedding. Michael and Jean seemed to slip back into a casual cosiness when it came to discussing their daughter, remarkable really given the hell that Jean had put him through. Michael turned to Alexis and said "you can leave the clearing up Alexis I'll finish it off later. You've done so much already, thank you for cooking a lovely meal".

Alexis took her cue and went upstairs leaving Michael and Jean alone in the kitchen.

"How could you do it Jean, just up and go like that without any warning?"

"Well if we're in an enquiring mood Michael, I should ask you how you could move Alexis in to our home so quickly. Because I sure as hell know which is the easier to explain to Dolly?"

Michael was furious "Don't you dare come in here laying the law down. You are in no position to do that Jean. You are the one who betrayed us, you are the one who left us. I was in total shock when you left, I was floundering, Alexis rescued me when you were nowhere to be found"

Jean realised that they weren't going to get anywhere like this and brought the discussion back to the more calming topic of Dolly.

"Dolly and I spoke about the fighting at school. We have come up with a plan that involves less hitting and more talking – she has promised to tell me all the nasty things the kids are saying at school and then she and I will go to the teacher and tell her what is being said so that she can tackle it. I think moving forward Dolly will be channeling Yoda a little more"

Michael smiled at that and said "We also need to sort out the practicalities of getting Dolly to and from school on a daily basis. I can't expect Alexis to do this for ever more"

Jean responded "We're looking for a new place closer to here, we've narrowed it down to two now, as soon as Sidney and I move in, Dolly will be able to stay in her new bedroom"

Michael winced at the mention of Sidney's name "and how is the little English Gypsy doing – still making coffee?"

"She does a lot more than that Michael"

"Oh Yeah I forgot she sings in a band too" Michael said very condescendingly.

At this Jean got up from the kitchen table to leave saying "I'll be sending you over details of my divorce lawyer soon – we will need to formalise everything surrounding the house and Dolly's care".

This final slight against Sidney was too much for Jean. She didn't want to be there anymore with Michael, she didn't want to try and justify her relationship with Sidney to him or anyone else, and she really didn't want to explain to Michael all the many splendid and wondrous things there are about Sidney, those things were just for her.

As Jean drove away from her old home, she was unexpectedly full of excitement and hope about the prospect of creating a new one with Sidney. She was also feeling guilty and sorry about what had happened the last time she had seen her. She had deliberately started a fight with Sidney and had left her crying on the floor of her flat. At the thought of this, Jean put her foot down a little harder on the accelerator and headed for Bushwick.


	17. Making Up

Sidney was standing at the sink with her back to the door as Jean walked in. She didn't even look back to see who was coming through the door and she certainly didn't say anything in greeting. Jean could tell immediately that Sidney was still very upset – in fairness why wouldn't she be? Jean had deliberately started a fight; had made a fairly blatant threat about ending their relationship and had then stormed out without so much as a by your leave and hadn't been in contact with Sidney or back to the flat in over a day.

"Hi Sidney" said Jean in her most seductive voice – she was standing behind Sidney now with her arms around her waist. She was kissing Sidney on the neck and starting to move her hands around towards the front of Sidney's body. At this, Sidney pushed Jean's hands back and pulled herself away, staring Jean angrily in the face, she shouted "do you have any idea of the anguish you have put me through in the past 24 hours? You marched out of here full of anger, threatening to end our relationship, you haven't responded to any of my texts and have basically given me the impression in the last day or so that our relationship was over – and now here you are kissing me and touching me as if none of this had ever happened – what the fuck Jean?"

Jean was correctly chastened and said "I know, I'm so sorry Sidney. I had seen a couple of texts on your phone from Sam and I just got so incredibly jealous. I just wanted to lash out and hurt you – it was completely unreasonable and unjustifiable, please forgive me" As Jean said this; she moved in close to Sidney and started to kiss her again. Once more, Sidney pulled away saying "So all this trauma is because you were jealous of a few innocent messages that Sam and I had exchanged? That is just crazy Jean. Why didn't you just talk to me about them or better still just trust me? I have seen a number of messages on your phone in the past few weeks from a Melissa but I just assume that they are business related because I trust you"

It was quite a shock hearing Sidney mention Melissa's name like that; a collision of two separate worlds – Jean could only hope that the fall out would be minimal. Jean rallied "Well yes, she is work related, there is nothing much to tell and obviously there is no romantic connection between us in the way that you and Sam had"

Sidney said exasperatedly "God how many times do we have to go over this Jean? I have no romantic feelings towards Sam at all now – none. We just need to move on from this and you need to understand that you can't just go off on one every time he sends me a text – there has to be trust between us both now"

Jean nodded enthusiastically – Sidney seemed to be calming down and Jean didn't want to say or do anything that might jeopardise that. Sidney continued "strangely, you haven't even mentioned the thing that sent you running from the flat the other day – the gun!"

Jean looked up a little sheepishly and said "I thought that I would let you get to that in your own time". She then smiled and moved towards Sidney once more saying "although it has to be said there is something incredibly hot about you having a gun" She was kissing Sidney's face as she was saying this and beginning to open the buttons on her shirt. Thankfully for Jean this time, Sidney began to lower her defences and said in a whisper "that's not the only thing you find hot about me is it jean?" and with a sensuousness and passion that were all her, Sidney started to kiss Jean back.


	18. Making up (Part 2)

Sidney and Jean were both lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling in a state of utter disbelief and total exhaustion. The sex between them had always been incredible but what had just occurred between the sheets on Sidney's Bushwick apartment bed had taken them to a different plane; tonight they had reached new heights in love making. Of course everyone knows that make-up sex is intense but there was a powerful new force at work tonight which Sidney thought could only be described in one word – love.

They hadn't actually said those three little words to one another yet! But it was present now in their relationship; Sidney could feel it, like a powerful poltergeist casting a supernatural spectre across a room. Sidney already knew when Jean had walked out the door, slamming it behind her the other day that she was in love with her. The excruciating thought that Jean might be leaving her for good and the terror that induced was just confirmation of how deeply she had fallen in love with her. Now that Jean had returned, she felt more confident that she felt the same way too. After all, there is the issue of the gun. Sidney had to acknowledge that for many people that would be a game changer that for many people gun ownership is so abhorrent that they would have been out the door never to return again. But Jean had returned and that to Sidney was more than a hopeful sign that she too was in love and now was as good a time as any to explain the presence of the gun. Sidney turned towards Jean in the bed and said

"Do you want me to tell you now about the gun?"

Jean leant across Sidney, kissing her shoulder in the process, to pick up her pack of cigarettes saying "I think I may need to have one of these while you do" as Jean lit her cigarette and steadied her gaze, Sidney began:

"At our very first drink together, I mentioned my father to you. Well what I said that night was, to a large extent, true. The only difference was that I didn't really find out that my father was a crook until my twenties and not as a little girl the way I described to you that night. I don't know why I lied and said it was a childhood discovery, maybe because that was just easier to explain away without incurring too many questions" Sidney was beginning to cry now, so Jean put down her cigarette and took Sidney's face in her hands, kissing her gently on the lips she said "go on Sidney, finish the story, you need to tell this story"

Sidney laughed and said "Actually my childhood was pretty terrific; we had a lovely house in Hampstead with a swimming pool, big cars, fancy holidays and of course the obligatory private school education – which explains my rather middle class accent, don't you know. As far as I was concerned my dad was a successful property developer who also owned a large number of car parks in major cities in the UK and here in the US. I actually got really good grades in my A levels and went to the London School of Economics to do a business degree all with the aim of taking over my dad's business in the long term. When I left Uni, my dad encouraged me to join him and start learning the business straight away, which I was happy to do".

Sidney was sitting on the edge of the bed now, she seemed determined to take Jean through the whole story.

"I worshipped my dad. He was an East End boy made good. There had been no big Hampstead house for him, no fancy holidays or private schools - indeed not much schooling at all – just a tenement building in Stepney and a drunken, violent dad who kicked him out of the flat most nights. I felt so proud of him for making so much of his life and providing us: me, mum and my younger brother, Alfie, with everything he didn't have as a boy. My main focus in life was making him proud".

"With my economics and business background I was an obvious choice for the book keeping and accounting side of the business. There was a little Scottish man who was in charge of the Accounts business and who kept me at an arms distance for a long while, very begrudgingly answering my many questions. Then one day I turned up for work and the little Scottish man was no longer there and my Dad just announced that I was taking over the accounting and book keeping business. At first, it was a real thrill to be working at the centre of his car park empire and dealing with the vast amount of cash that was coming in. But over time, as I started to understand the business a little more, I began to realise that there was a problem. A really significant one – the amount of business we did in the car parks did not tally up with the huge amounts of cash that were coming in to the office, sometimes even in briefcases from my Dad's many business associates."

Sidney stopped suddenly, looked to Jean and said "I'm getting really nervous now, scared about how you are going to react to this". She took a drag on her cigarette and continued

"Of course when I questioned his associates they would say it was all legitimate takings from the car parking businesses but then one day I found a receipt at the bottom of a brief case, it had my Dad's signature on it. The receipt was from a tanning salon. The thing is, I knew the tanning salon in question and I also knew what a dodgy reputation it had in the area what I didn't know was why my Dad was involved in it and why it's receipt was at the bottom of a briefcase full of money that was meant to come from one of my dad's car parks".

"The next time this particular associate, his name was Denny came in, I was ready for him. I never liked Denny; he was shady and a bit creepy and had a face that lacked any kind of human kindness or decency. I never understood why my Dad trusted him and seemed to like him so much. When Denny approached the desk with the briefcase, I started firing questions at him about the amounts of cash involved and how inconsistent they were with the throughput of the car parks. I asked him about the tanning salons and their connection to this business. By his reaction, I could see that my worst fears were true. Denny got really aggressive with me and then started to threaten me about "shoving my nose in" where it wasn't wanted and if I didn't want to go the same way as Doug (the little Scottish man) I should keep my mouth shut"

"Obviously I went home that night and had it out with my Dad and my mum. I discovered that my dad's big business empire was built on illegal operations, mainly brothel businesses and the car parks were a very convenient way to launder the money. What was really shocking to me was that my mum knew about it all too".

I ran out of the house and walked the streets in the rain – I got to Waterloo Bridge – my favourite place in all of London. I would often go there to stare at the view; it would somehow clarify my thinking. Then I made up my mind. I couldn't stand to be a part of it anymore. I was going to run away from it all and hide and I would create a new identity for myself using the nick name my family had for me when I was growing up - Sidney".


	19. Making up (Part 3)

Jean was completely overwhelmed by what Sidney had just told her. Firstly, there was the revelation that Sidney's father was some kind of London underworld gangster. Secondly that Sidney herself was in hiding because of the threat that her past life posed to her safety. The final point and this was the part that had really blown Jean away because it was so connected to them as a couple, was Sidney (her Sidney)had created an alter ego too as a means of escape. It seemed to Jean that the more she thought about their relationship, the more they had in common and not just – both liking Carole King's Tapestry album in common - these were huge, unusual and highly complex issues that they had both been dealing with individually and now life had conspired to unite them so that they could face these dilemmas together.

Sidney was clearly shaken. Reliving these memories had taken it out of her. Jean put her arms around Sidney and said "I'm so glad you've told me all of this. It must have been a real burden to carry round with you. Look, there's so much to process in the things you have just told me, so let's begin with the most straightforward questions first!"

Sidney just nodded and seemed relieved that Jean was being so practical. "OK, let's begin with this – so if Sidney is your childhood nickname, what is your real name – please don't tell me its Hyacinth" this broke the ice and they both fell about laughing - "No, it's not Hyacinth my name is Georgina Adams and my dad is James Adams you may well have been reading about him in the papers this week! But I really would prefer it if you called me Sidney - I was Sidney when you met me and Sidney is who I want to be".

Jean then asked "and why did you run away from London?" Sidney was looking deadly serious now "I felt it was the only option open to me. I was so disappointed in my mum and dad, I couldn't believe that these two people who I had loved and respected so much, could have let Alfie and me down in this way. I would honestly prefer to be poor than living off the proceeds of a huge brothel business. Also because I made the decision to leave the family - that really put me in danger, you see within the family I get the protection of my father, outside the family I don't and there are a number of very dangerous men who are extremely worried about the information I have on them. I just felt that the best way was to disappear for a bit!"

Then Jean look worried and said "and that is why you have the gun right? In case one of those guys comes looking for you".

"Correct – the court case against my father has really made matters worse – people are getting really jittery"

Jean then added "So based on the article that I was reading this week, your father is now in the US waiting to stand trial right?"

Sidney looked directly into Jean's eyes and said with more than a hint of trepidation"You are correct again!" just at that moment there was a knock on the door.


	20. The Apartment

Jean knew instantly that the man standing at the door was Sidney's father; he had the same searching dark eyes, those intense pools of inquisitiveness which like his daughter had an uncanny ability to scan a room immediately and take everything in. What a face – handsome, strong with a proud bearing that was obviously the Adams family hallmark. And the stance, Jean smiled at the similarity; he stood with the same high shouldered, straight backed confidence as his daughter. It was a stance that screamed to the world "You really don't want to mess with me". But perhaps the most striking similarity of all, given her analysis of the man so far, was the hint of vulnerability beneath his all-conquering veneer. Like Sidney, when it came to matters of the heart, James Adams was vulnerable and it was clear to Jean from the expression on his face as he looked at his long lost daughter that Sidney was definitely his weakness.

"Can I come in love?"

Sidney just turned away from the open door without saying a word.

James looked at Jean and said rather patronisingly "Excuse me daarlin, but I need to have a word with my daughter in private" Sidney flashed angrily "She stays, anything you have to say to me, you say in front of Jean"

"This is sensitive Sidney; I don't want a stranger listening to the things I have to tell you"

Sidney stared at her father with a glare that suggested she wasn't going to budge on this. James glowered at Jean with an expression that suggested she really ought to be leaving and Jean looked back at them both and said "I'm not a stranger, I'm Sidney's partner". Jean wasn't sure who was more shocked by the sudden proclamation – Sidney's father who had taken a visible step backwards, Sidney who was standing with her mouth wide open or Jean herself who felt strangely empowered by having said it out loud for the first time! James was the first to break the silence:

"Oh I see" he said rather falteringly "I didn't know". James was glancing around the room now with a fresh perspective, staring at the discarded clothes on the floor and settling his gaze on the two rather flimsily dressed women. Jean could tell he didn't like what he saw.

Sidney had gone to sit down on the settee, Jean went to stand behind her, putting her hands on her shoulders as a sign of support. James coughed a little and then staring directly at Sidney and completely ignoring Jean, he said:

"Look love, I know you had a terrible shock in London. But we're family and we must pull together particularly during the tough times – you know I'm here to stand trial right? Well if things go badly I might be going down!"

Sidney looked up at this and said

"Where's Mum?"

James looked physically pained "She decided to stay at home, she hasn't been very well since you left and this trial business is really taking it out of her. Alfie is at home with her, looking after her for me. Sid, I know you feel really let down but please don't take it out on your mum. She never really wanted me to get into that side of the business; none of this is her fault. All she's ever wanted is to make a happy home for you and Alfie – please don't run away from her, especially now at her time of need"

James began pacing the floor of Sidney's flat he had a lot to say and he was doing so now with a great deal of urgency.

"Sidney, I have used every resource available to me to track you down, you did a good job girl hiding yourself but in the end if you have enough time and money, anyone can be found. Here's the thing Sid, if I can find you, they can. You're in danger my love"

Jean squeezed Sidney's shoulders, she was suddenly in the grip of a terrible terror, she thought she might actually faint. James went on

"I can't protect you here Sid, I don't have the network here to do that. Go home to London, you don't have to go back to the family home in Hampstead, I can put you up in one of the Company flats in the West End if you would prefer".

Sidney said very calmly "No, my life is here with Jean now" at this James gave Jean a look that sent a shiver down her spine. Jean had never encountered raw unadulterated hatred before, but she was pretty sure that the emotion she had just detected in the eyes of James Adams was exactly that. She understood it. As far as James was concerned, she was keeping his precious daughter away from her London family and home but more crucially by keeping Sidney in the States he felt that Jean was putting Sidney in danger. Jean rallied "how can you protect Sidney, when there is a distinct chance you may be going to prison? Sidney would be better off here with me away from all the problems in London"

At this James Adams turned his full attention towards Jean, it felt like a crushing weight pushing her down through the floor and then with a very derisory glare he said "How do I protect my daughter – well I can do it alot more effectively than you! You ,pretty lady, have no idea at all of the kind of people we are dealing with" Jean noted how he almost spat out the words "pretty lady".

James then turned his attention from Jean and said "Look Sidney" almost pleading "The trial has made certain people very nervous, because they think if I go down now, they will be next. I want you back home in hiding before this trial takes place because if I do go down, all bets are off then love".

Jean looked at them both and said "It seems to me the best possible outcome here is that you avoid a custodial sentence altogether – I hope you have a good legal team working on your case"

For the first time since arriving in the flat, James smiled and said "the very best, you may have heard of him – his name is Michael Holloway".

At that moment everything went silent for Jean except for the sound of blood pulsing deep within her ears and as she momentarily concentrated on the rhythm of the sound, the famous quote of Walter Scott came to her "oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!"


	21. Gary's Inquisition

Gary's face looked like a very wet bank holiday weekend in August; Jean knew this did not bode well for their imminent meeting! Gary had been harbouring doubts about Jean for some time, particularly around her ability to remain professionally detached from her patients – the trauma surrounding the Melissa case had impacted on everyone in the practice - an arson attack by a patient, reported repeatedly on the news channels is hardly a ringing endorsement for their services. Moreover, it had undoubtedly undermined her reputation amongst her colleagues at the practice and particularly so with Gary. 

Jean was bracing herself for a very difficult day - apart from this very testing meeting with Gary, she also had Sam and Claire coming, both in crisis, both reeling as a result of her recent interventions in their lives. Then there was Sidney, Jean thought, everything led back to her now. Jean was genuinely alarmed by the things she had heard last night - it was clear that Sidney was in danger - there were menacing forces at work and they were gunning for her. Jean forced these thoughts out of her head for the moment, now she had to concentrate with all her might on the conversation she was about to have with the man sitting in front of her.

Jean sat down opposite Gary, there were no pleasantries, and he got down to business immediately "As you know Jean, Melissa has been coming here for some sessions, as part of the terms of her release".

"Yes, I was aware of that" Jean responded as implacably as possible.

Gary continued "I understand that Melissa has been trying to contact you in the past few weeks, but you haven't responded to her messages"

"Yes, I thought it best that I didn't get involved as I knew you were going to be handling her case"

"And you didn't think it would be advisable to let me know that Melissa had been trying to contact you!"

Jean looked Gary in the eye and said confidently "I didn't think it was necessary"

"You didn't think that it was necessary to inform me that Melissa had left you over 30 messages on your voicemail!" Gary snapped angrily.

This fact caught Jean off guard – she was genuinely surprised that Melissa had opened up to Gary in this way. Jean was chastising herself now about not responding to Melissa earlier –she could have so easily headed this situation off at the pass, had she taken the time to call Melissa back and smooth things over with her. Instead she was now faced with the Spanish Inquisition from Gary and having to deal with some very uncomfortable questions. She decided to brazen it out:

"Look Gary, it wasn't as many as 30 messages – you know that Melissa is a fantasist – she will say and do anything to get a reaction. Personally, as I expressed earlier to you, I don't think it was a good idea for us to agree to see Melissa again – it would have been better for her to go to a new practice and see someone with a completely fresh perspective".

Gary just looked weary and exasperated now "and continuity of care Jean is that just a pipe dream as far as you are concerned?" He then went on "during the course of my sessions with Melissa, she keeps returning to the events before the arson attack, I get the feeling that she is trying to tell me something but she is scared of the consequences. We nearly made a break through at our last session; I am very confident that we will get there at our next one".

Jean had a horrible feeling that Gary said this with a certain edge in his voice and a look in his eye that was conveying a message "Jean, I am on to you"


	22. Jean's bad day

Jean's early morning meeting with Gary had not been the most perfect start to her day – Jean looked at her appointment list and had to acknowledge that it wasn't going to get much better. Her first emergency appointment of the day was Sam, closely followed by Claire. Jean took a sip of her coffee and a deep breath and got up to welcome Sam.

One look at Sam's face told Jean that he was in trouble. His eyes were wild and haunted; anxiety was etched all over his face, he was wringing his hands and pacing the floor – he looked as though he hadn't slept in a week!

"Hi Sam, do come in"

He strode past Jean barely acknowledging her existence – he was shouting "I am going out of my mind; I just cannot believe what is happening to me".

Jean knew instantly that her top priority was to calm him down "Sam, please take a seat. I know you don't feel like sitting down that you have a great deal of pent up anger and energy, but you need to rest for a while and take some deep breaths. I will help you"

Sam stood staring at Jean for what seemed like an eternity, Jean just remained calm and gently gestured towards the sofa opposite her – eventually he sat down. Then in her most melodic voice Jean said "Okay Sam, close your eyes, try to relax your shoulders, let them gently fall and rest your hands on your knees. Now I want you take a deep breath in through your nose 1, 2, 3 4 and out through your mouth 1, 2, 3 4 and again. Now try to focus on your body, feel the effects of the breathing on your body – in through your nose 1, 2, 3 4 and out through your mouth 1, 2, 3 4" 

Jean continued this cycle of breathing with Sam until she could see that he was beginning to relax and the panic attack which had gripped him was now on the wane

"Okay Sam, when you are ready and in your own time, just open your eyes and we can begin our session"

Sam opened his eyes and spoke instantly

"Someone is messing with my life and I intend to find out who it is. A woman called Diane came to my apartment and deliberately caused problems for Emily and me. I need to find out who she is and why she is doing this". Before Jean had a chance to respond Sam said

"I have a meeting with the superintendent of the apartment building tonight to look at the CCTV footage on the night she came to the building – I am closing in on Diane".


	23. Three's a Crowd

Jean was still shaking – even though Sam had left her office half an hour ago. She kept going over his words "I am closing in on Diane". Ominous certainly – in Sam's current state of mind there was no telling how he would react once he saw the CCTV footage! How appropriate though that he would use those words "closing in" Jean thought that is exactly how I am feeling; the walls of her world were closing in around her. She felt squeezed and confined and was suddenly finding it very difficult to breathe. She rushed to the window to open it and then sat down on the chair beneath it. She decided to follow her earlier instructions to Sam about deep breathing "in through the nose, 1, 2, 3 and 4 out through the mouth 1, 2, 3 and 4". In due course, she started to calm down, collected her thoughts and remembered that Claire was due to arrive any minute.

Of all her patients, it was Claire with whom Jean sympathised the most. Her predicament was entirely understandable and given Claire's age probably completely unavoidable too. Women of Claire's generation were conditioned to be the home makers, mothers, carers. The home was their vocation; careers were for single woman. Of course Claire had worked but once again, like many women of her age, her work was secondary to the Home. Her job was just a means to augment the family income, "pin money" they called it back then - it was her husband's job that really mattered financially to the family. Her role was to support her husband and daughter and work to make them the best people they could possibly be. Jean wondered if Rebecca or her father had ever given much thought as to how they might have supported Claire to be the best person she could be! Claire had devoted her life to her family and now they were gone, she felt as though she had nothing left. Society had contrived to make Claire vulnerable.

There was no doubt in Jean' mind that Claire had been needy with Rebecca, in clamouring for more time with her daughter she had only succeeded in pushing her further away. Yet Jean also had to recognise that Rebecca had been selfish when it came to relations with her mother – I mean moving apartment without even telling her would have been agonising for any mother, let alone Claire. And Claire had been making progress; she was beginning to develop outside interests and had limited the number of times she had contacted Rebecca. It was Rebecca who was failing to respond in the right way and it was this that had led Jean to write the letter. Jean felt that Claire deserved it.

Jean opened the door, smiled and said "Do come in Claire".

Claire was just putting some tissues back in her handbag, it was clear she had been crying. She looked up and tried to smile, but her lovely, expressive face just couldn't hide the heartache she was feeling deep inside.

"Oh Jean, it's just gone from bad to worse with Rebecca"

"What exactly has been happening Claire. I thought you had been making such good progress in re-calibrating your relationship with Rebecca. She even sent you that lovely letter"

Claire looked up and said "but that's the problem, Rebecca called me to give me some very good news – I'm going to be a grandma you know – but during the conversation I mentioned how much I loved the letter she had sent me and she completely denied that she had sent it. I mean, I don't understand how she could do something so nice and then take it away from me again, by saying this stuff. The thing is Jean, I know Rebecca and she really believes what she is saying – none of it makes sense!"

Jean was feeling uncomfortable – it was clear that the letter idea had spectacularly backfired. It was about to get worse.

Claire continued "I have been so upset by this that Rebecca agreed to come along today to see you with me"

Jean was stunned "What?"

"Yes, we thought it would be good for the three of us to discuss this together"

Jean almost shouted "NO, no, that is not a good idea at all Claire – you must call Rebecca and stop her from coming here today".

Claire was surprised by the ferocity of Jean's response and was about to dial Rebecca's number when the office suddenly reverberated to the sound of loud and repeated knocking on the door. Jean's heart almost stopped, she knew instinctively that it was Rebecca but there was nothing for it now but to get up, answer the door and face the music.


	24. Rebecca

Rebecca's facial expression was a mixture of shock, anger and disappointment all rolled into one. It was the disappointment that Jean found hardest to take

"It all makes sense now" Rebecca said as she walked past Jean. Claire was looking from Jean to Rebecca and back again trying to make sense of this extraordinary introduction "What do you mean Rebecca, what are you talking about? Have you two met before?" Claire pleaded.

"Yes, mother we have. Jean has managed to manoeuvre herself into my life recently – obviously trying to get a better view for you!"

"What?" – Claire was struggling to keep up with the rapid turn of events here "Jean, what is Rebecca saying?" Rebecca interjected "Oh come on mom, you know. You asked Jean to follow me to find out what I was up to?"

Jean was suddenly very alarmed at the direction this confrontation was now going. Somehow Rebecca had managed to turn this into yet another opportunity to criticize her mother! Jean interjected immediately

"No Rebecca, you've got this all wrong. Your mother had absolutely nothing to do with this. I made the decision to seek you out. I wanted to find more out about you in the hope that it would help me in my sessions with your mother. Claire had no idea at all - she wouldn't have been so open to you coming here if that were the case!"

Rebecca was mulling that last point over and calmed down a little. How strange it was that Rebecca was less angry with Jean than her own mother! It just seemed to Jean that for some reason Rebecca was looking for any opportunity to attack Claire. Rebecca then looked at Jean and said "and the letter, was it you who sent it?"

"Yes, I wanted to write a letter to your mother because she has made real progress in the way that she has pursued outside interests and reduced her level of contact with you – yet for some reason Rebecca you were implacable, unable to respond to your mother positively – I just felt Claire deserved something nice"

"Did you now? How unprofessional! Well I hope you know I will be taking this to the head of the practice here and..

Rebecca was cut short by the sound of her mother falling to the floor. Jean rushed towards Claire, feeling her pulse – she shouted at Rebecca "call an ambulance – I need to perform CPR on your mother".


	25. Going Down the Rabbit Hole

Sidney didn't like goodbyes – especially not this one – because the Rabbit Hole was so irrevocably wrapped up in her life in New York. It was one of the first places she had visited when she first arrived in New York - tired, afraid and completely panicked about her future. The Rabbit Hole had provided her with a base and very necessary income; it had helped her find friends and a fledging career in music but more important than all of these things, and it had led Jean to her!

We make hundreds of decisions in any given week, most of them fairly inconsequential. But then there are the fateful days when change happens, sometimes without us fully realising the significance of the decision we have just taken - but today Sidney knew! She was very much aware of the importance of this moment in her life. The events leading up to it, as so often in life, were sporadic and scattered, like drips on a Jackson Pollock canvas but as with Pollock, Sidney thought there was a pre-destined, pre-ordained element to this; all leading to this moment of goodbye to the Rabbit Hole.

Her father's visit had dominated her thinking over the past few days – there had been so much to take in and it had left her with a powerful mix of emotions. She had been surprised at just how relieved she was to see her father still looking so strong and in command of the situation. As a little girl she would love it when he would lift her up so effortlessly in his strong arms and carry her around on his shoulders, his physical strength been always been a thing of comfort to her. She had always felt protected by him. As she grew into her teens, she began to understand how important her dad was in his particular circle of friends and associates, she enjoyed watching the effect he had on others, when he walked into a room – people took notice. There was respect and awe in the way people viewed him but now in retrospect she can also remember seeing fear.

The news about her mother was the most difficult to take. Sidney smiled when she thought of her mum, Jenny. She really was a spectacular mum. Everybody thought so, Sidney's friends from school, Alfie's friends from school, some of whom, Sidney could easily tell had a crush on Jenny! Their mum was a glamourous, larger than life figure – always the centre of attention – she was a songstress, a storyteller, a homemaker and a fierce lioness when it came to protecting her family.

Their home in Hampstead was always a hub of people and activity and Jenny was always at the centre of it. Sidney often thought that her mother was like a Field Marshal in the arena of war, directing the flow of people, providing sustenance and warmth when they needed it and always making the strategic decisions about what was right for the family. Sidney thought her mum was indefatigable and indestructible so when she had phoned her the other day, after her father's visit, to see how her mum was, Sidney was really quite shocked at how weak and scared her mum had sounded.

Sidney had to admit that she had been frightened by what her father had said about her life being in danger. He had only confirmed what she herself had known, but to hear the words spoken out loud, by him in that way had given them more prominence and made it all seem very real. For the first time in a very long time, Sidney felt that she really needed her Dad to protect her, what's more the family really needed him and now she was hoping with every fibre of her being that Michael Holloway would deliver him safely back to them.


	26. Another goodbye

Quite a crowd had gathered outside of Jean's office – the paramedics had to push their way through to get to Claire. Thankfully they had arrived quickly. Jean had taken charge and started the CPR instantly. Once Rebecca had dialled 911, Jean had instructed her on giving rescue breaths to her mother. They had worked well as a team – both fully focussed on the only thing that mattered which was keeping Claire alive. The Head paramedic had told Jean that she had saved Claire's life by re-starting her heart; Jean didn't even want to think about the possibility that she was the main cause of stopping it!

The Paramedics were carrying Claire out of the office; Rebecca was walking alongside the stretcher holding her mother's hand. Jean thought that even underneath the oxygen mask, she detected a faint smile on Claire's face. As they went past, Rebecca turned to Jean and said "look what you've done to my mother – I will be taking this further". Even at death's door, Claire was still an advocate for Jean; she could see Claire holding up a hand in protest at what her daughter had just said.

Gary was amongst the group who had gathered by Jean's office door – he had noted Rebecca's comments. Once the paramedics had safely left the building with Claire and Gary had managed to calm down the excited gossip in the office – he knocked on Jean's office door. She had quickly returned to her office once the paramedics had gone, swiftly shutting the door behind her. Jean opened the door – Gary was shocked. It wasn't so much that there had been a dramatic change in Jean's outward appearance – it was her eyes. Gary thought that if the eyes are the window to the soul, then Jean's beautiful, expressive eyes were describing a terrible inner torment right now.

"Jean we need to talk"

"I know we do"

Gary sensed that Jean knew what was coming, that perhaps she was almost relieved and grateful for it.

Jean sat down with her head in her hands – Gary noticed a lit cigarette burning on the side of the ash tray on her desk. She was visibly shaken. Gary tried to be positive and said "Well done for saving Claire's life, Jean" Jean seemed to derive little consolation from it.

Gary took a seat opposite Jean and continued

"I don't know exactly what happened here today but based on Rebecca's response, I sense that it was something untoward. Jean, I have been a therapist for over 30 years now and I can tell you are grappling with some pretty significant issues – the thing is - these demons of yours are seriously impacting on your professional life now and you and I both know, we can't allow that to continue. I have a duty of care not just to you but to all our patients here which is why I need you to step down from your professional role here with immediate effect. Jean, we are at a point now where you do have to do some serious work on yourself and there needs to be some demonstrable progress before I could ever consider letting you back here and Jean that progress must take the form of professional help".

Jean looked up and just nodded. She seemed barely able to utter a word at this point. Gary got up to leave; he could tell that Jean had just about had enough for one day. He was pretty confident that she was taking everything in that he had just said - what he couldn't quite take in as he turned to leave her office, was just how defeated Jean looked.


	27. The Four seasons

Autumn is the saddest season. No-one really wants to welcome it because autumn means the end of summer. Everyone can get behind summer – it's the universal time of holidays and the beach and picnics in the park. Autumn on the other hand not only represents the end of everyone's favourite season but it also heralds the onset of the least favourite season of all – winter. Michael thought that he didn't want to get too Game of Thrones about the whole thing, but as he watched the autumn leaves tumbling across his lawn, being buffeted in all directions by the autumnal wind; he couldn't help but see the similarities with his own life now - blown off course by the unexpected gust of wind that was Jean and looking with trepidation towards winter and the difficulties it might bring.

Michael was at home this week because Alexis had started a writing course at Columbia. He had taken this week off to take care of Dolly; he was hoping that Jean and Nancy would do the same in the following weeks. Although he was on holiday, the London case was occupying his thoughts and he had just finished a rather fractious telephone call with James Adams. The trial date was now set, it was almost a month away, and although he was very pleased with the progress they had made on several of the main aspects of the case, James was concerned about the damage that the main witness for the prosecution could inflict upon him. Michael had to acknowledge that James had a point, as the defence team they knew a certain amount about this witness and the case that the Prosecuting team were making but they both had a nagging feeling that the Prosecution team were going to spring a nasty surprise on them.

Michael was deep in concentration, looking out the window at the autumn leaves , when he suddenly sat bolt upright in his chair – it wasn't just leaves that the wind was blowing across the front lawn – Jean was crossing the grass , heading towards the front door in a very purposeful way. This wasn't a planned visit – so Michael knew that something was up. He opened the door before she had a chance to ring the bell.

'Hello Jean, why aren't you at work?"

"Well, well, well – I could ask you the same question, I was expecting the lovely Alexis to be here"

"OK, so if you're not here to see me, why are you here? We weren't expecting you for another couple of days".

Jean snapped

"I want to see my daughter, I have a right to see her and I shouldn't have to book an appointment to do it"

Michael could tell that something was really bothering Jean – he responded almost apologetically

"Sorry Jean, Dolly's going to Spencer's house for a play date after school, she won't be back for some time"

"How convenient" Jean responded sarcastically.

She then turned to Michael and in a really pointed way asked "How's your London case coming along?"

Michael was genuinely surprised by the question.

"Ah, it's going well thank you. It's been quite a complicated one but we're pulling together a strong case which should be quite compelling for the Jury – we go to trial in a month"

Jean nodded rather sagely and said

"And your client – his name is James Adams isn't it?"

Michael was beginning to feel alarmed now by the amount of detail Jean had acquired on this case, she barely took this much notice of his work when they were together.

"Yes, his name is James Adams. Wow I very surprised that you are so interested!"

Jean sat down, positioning herself to get the best possible view of Michael's reaction when she said

"Well of course I'm interested, I'm always interested in cases that concern the people I love"

Michael looked genuinely confused and said "I don't know what you mean Jean"

"Oh didn't James tell you – I'm surprised as he found out a couple of nights ago – James Adams is Sidney's father!"

Jean then got up to go leaving Michael to unpick the ramifications of this revelation on his case and more crucially his life.


	28. Tears from the past

The traffic on the way to Bushwick was horrendous – hardly any movement at all. It was getting dark. Jean was struck by the seemingly endless stream of tail lights in front of her shining optimistically in defiance of this sticky traffic mess that was stopping them all from getting to where they needed to be.

Jean was desperate to get home to Sidney. She really needed her tonight. She had endured a terrible day but Jean knew that Sidney would find a way to soothe her, know how to make her feel better. She nervously tapped her fingers on the dashboard and out of pure frustration just honked her horn loudly at the impervious drivers lined up in front of her.

 

Sidney knew from her conversation with Jean earlier that she was having a terrible day. Sidney was anxious to see her as they evidently had a great deal to discuss. But Jean hadn't been responding to Sidney's messages and her phone was going straight to voicemail. Sidney's thoughts were interrupted by some loud and persistent banging on the door. Sidney thought this must be Jean, that she had forgotten her key again. She opened the door and was astonished to find a highly distressed Sam – he barged past her straight into the flat saying "we need to talk – I have something very important that I need to show you!"

 

The relief at reaching Sidney's flat was palpable. Jean somehow managed to find enough energy to start the ascent to Sidney's apartment, all the while making the mental note that their next place would definitely be on the ground floor. She heard someone coming down the stairwell, they were approaching at speed, it sounded like they were taking two steps at a time – suddenly Jean was face to face with him. Sam almost growled when he saw her – then he pushed his face very close to hers and said menacingly "Sidney has just saved your life tonight!" he gave Jean the most devastating glare and then he was gone.

Jean stood motionless on the stairs. As if this day wasn't bad enough, it had just gotten considerably worse. Jean was now facing a real show down with Sidney, it was clear that Sam had seen the CCTV footage and had told Sidney all about it. She was going to have a lot of explaining to do but felt slightly heartened by the fact that Sidney had clearly stood up for her or why else would Sam have said that "Sidney had save her life!". She tentatively opened the door to Sidney's flat, almost frightened of what she would find. To her surprise Sidney was sitting in a chair, calmly looking towards Jean as she walked through the door. There were no hysterics, no shouting and no plate throwing, no outward signs of drama at all – just Sidney sitting on a chair, smoking a cigarette. Summing up the scenario, Jean would say that Sidney's demeanour was one of disquiet and deep concern. The inquisitiveness which was always present in Sidney's eyes was heightened and shining with laser like penetration.

Sidney took a drag of her cigarette and said quietly "Come and sit down opposite me, you and I have a great deal of talking to do"

Jean walked obediently over towards the chair, taking her jacket off and placing it on the back of the chair; she felt like a patient in her own consulting room! Sidney began in a very measured voice "Sam has been here, do you have any idea of why he came?"

Jean instinctively knew that if she had any chance at all of keeping Sidney, she had to be honest with her and not just about the events leading up to tonight but honest about it all – including the traumas from her childhood. Jean decided that tonight perhaps for the very first time in her adult life, she was going to lay herself bare, she was going to open up in a way she had never done before, Sidney deserved it and what's more Sidney was worth it.

It seemed like an eternity before Sidney spoke "So tell me Jean, has all of this just been a massive game of control and manipulation?"

Jean took a deep breath, realizing that what she was about to say was possibly the most important few minutes of talk in her entire life. She looked Sidney squarely in the eye and began

"At first, yes it was. My fascination with you came from my professional relationship with Sam. Over a very prolonged period he was finding it really difficult to get over you, so I wanted to meet you and find out for myself what it was about you that was so alluring, what you had that kept him hanging on a string like a helpless puppet".

"Then something changed and it caused a profound shift in the way I thought about you and the way I viewed our relationship. It happened around about the time when you came to see me at Dolly's school, I realised that my feelings for you had moved well beyond the initial curiosity, the thrill of the game of cat and mouse. That moment when our eyes met at the end of my speech, I knew that I had met my match, that you were my equal; perhaps even my soul mate. I just knew with absolute certainty that of all the people I had ever met – you were the one who could get me – understand me"

Sidney was moving around the flat now; she seemed to be trying to work out the time lines of what Jean had just said. She turned to Jean and said

"I've been going through all the lies and deceit Jean. It's not just that you have lied to me, to Sam, to Emily but you've lied to your husband, your mother and even your daughter. This is really scary stuff because you are meddling in people's lives, getting into their heads and hearts in a way that is truly disturbing"

Jean knew that these were serious allegations but she also knew that they were completely true. She was trying to remain calm and centred on what needed to be said now

"I know how this seems Sidney, what you've discovered tonight is truly horrifying for you. I understand that, but I am going to try and explain it, please let me try and give me time. You're right, I do have massive issues – I've been battling these and other demons virtually my whole life. You see, it's not just that I have a need to control but I also need an escape route too. I sense that you knew this about me; you could tell that there were deep rooted issues that had led me to create Diane Hart. What you don't know, is that these very potent needs in my adulthood are borne out of very damaging and traumatic issues in my childhood".

This conversation was suddenly taking a turn that Sidney did not expect – she began to feel afraid of what Jean was about to say, she sensed the gravity of what Jean was about to tell her – she sat down again opposite Jean, this time pulling her chair closer towards her.

"This rage I feel sometimes, the need for control all goes back to my relationship with my parents and in particular my father. I was an only child and so I had a very cossetted childhood but my father created a wall of secrecy around us both to the exclusion of all, including my mother. From the youngest age, maybe even as young as 3, I can remember my father taking me off to secret places in the house, away from my mother to play secret games, as I got a little older perhaps 5 or 6, I can remember feeling that I didn't want this to happen anymore, I felt uncomfortable and unhappy about these games with my dad, there was something about the way he interacted with me that I found really suffocating. When I tried to discuss my feelings with my mother, I just didn't have the language to make myself understood and all my mother would say is that my father enjoyed spending time with me and I should be grateful that I had such a loving dad! After a while, I would actually hide in the house when my dad came home from work but he would always find me"

Sidney could see that Jean was now locked back in that world, her face was full of anguish, there were tears in her eyes; she was pushing the fingernails of one hand so forcefully into the palm of the other, and that the hand was starting to bleed. Sidney knew she had to let Jean tell her story in her own time:

"When I got to about 11, he stepped things up and started to get in to my bed – that was when the touching started. When I tried to stop him or cried that I would tell mum he would just say that I would destroy her and our family and it would be entirely my fault. More than the trauma of what my father was actually doing to me, the really destructive part of this, was the feeling of abject powerlessness. The sense that I had absolutely no control over what was happening and that there was no way out for me. Over the years I had tried to find a way to tell my mother, but my concerns were always dismissed. All these feelings from my childhood, the rage, the injustice and the hurt were all stored up inside me waiting to explode. My need to control and manipulate as an adult is a direct result of what I endured during my childhood. I have been dealing with the consequences of this my entire adult life and though I've had long periods when I've successfully managed my emotions – occasionally there is an outburst as we've just seen!"

Jean stopped and suddenly looked at Sidney as if a spell had been broken; she seemed so relieved to be finally opening up. The tears were streaming down Sidney's face, her heart was broken into bits by what Jean had just said, what Jean had described with such dignity and grace, was so difficult to hear but gave Sidney a real understanding as to why Jean had acted in the way that she did. Sidney walked over to Jean and took her in her arms. Strangely it was Jean who was kissing Sidney's tears away – perhaps, Jean thought, I am now at a point where I have done enough crying, as she brushed away another tear from Sidney's face, she said

"Don't leave me now Sidney, I need you and I love you".


	29. Waterloo Sunset

There was something about Waterloo Bridge that pulled Sidney; when she was in London she was often drawn to that place. Its position on the River Thames meant that the views from both sides were spectacular but Sidney preferred the view East, particularly at night. The lights from the City and Canary Wharf shone out like dazzling advertisements for life's possibilities; she loved the juxtaposition of the old and new – the towering skyscrapers from the City providing a glistening backdrop to the grand old dame of London, St Pauls. How proud and strong the Cathedral stood – like a beautiful boxer who remained tall despite the onslaught, remaining intact no matter what life could throw.

St Pauls was such an iconic landmark in London. Sidney thought about that famous night time photograph of St Pauls during the Blitz with London ablaze around her, the search lights swirling above her dome; yet St Pauls remained standing - looking bruised and battered but still there – still surviving.

Survival, Sidney thought, one of the strongest human instincts – it was this, after all, that had brought her back across the Atlantic to London. Survival, not just for her but for all the people she loved most in the world. She had left New York before her Father's trial; everybody seemed to think that it was the best course of action. Actually, she was glad that she had. Once she got back, she realised there was so much work to do in the family business, her dad's absence was having a detrimental effect and it was important that Sidney stepped in to stop the rot. She had been working night and day since her return, so much so that her life in New York now seemed like a dream. The more engrossed she was in her life back home the more distant the Vagabond Hotel and the Rabbit Hole became to her, like boats disappearing from view on the horizon. They had played such a vital part of her time in New York, such vivid elements in her life there and yet now were fading slowly away.

And then there was Jean – Sidney's heart still skipped a beat every time she thought about her. This fascinating woman, who against the odds had captured her heart, Jean would never fade in Sidney's mind, she was too supremely important for that. She still held Sidney in thrall – there was no-one else quite like her and as Sidney watched Jean approach her from the southern end of Waterloo Bridge, she knew that would always be the case and her heart started to beat just a little bit faster.

THE END


End file.
